Pick Bunny’s Brainz

It’s been a while since my last post, I know. Things have kind of fallen apart here in zombieland, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to write much more…

When I got back to the hideout on Halloween, it was a total shit-show. I’m still not sure what happened, because CeeCee and Misha won’t tell me ANYTHING, but it looked like there had been another meeting of the secret football club, this time with the zombie hunters, and Leland totally went after them.

There was fight, and they got Leland! Which is so horrible, because so far it hasn’t been like any of my friends have actually DIED, you know? There’s a big difference between dying and becoming a zombie!

So Leland was torn into, like, a million tiny pieces! And obviously he got some of them, because when I got there, the zombie hunters were busy chopping the heads off a bunch of zombies I’d never seen before.

CeeCee and Misha were hiding, grabbing bites to eat where they could, which is so like them. They always say they’re totally fasting, then they sneak food every chance they get! That’s why mom said they’d grow up to be total cows.

ANYWAY, the smell of blood was pretty overwhelming, so down came the pink mist and the humming. I remember calling the girls to get into the fight, and hearing them roar, and next thing I knew, we were racing down the tunnel, and there were zombie hunters running ahead of us, like we were chasing them, but also behind us, like some of them were chasing us!

I turned around, because I was like ‘eff this!’ and who almost chops me in half with an axe? Uncle Johnny!

I think he recognized me, though, because he hesitated, and said something that sounded like, “funny,” or “honey,” or maybe “Bunny.” Which gave me just enough time to rip his guts out. Sorry Uncle Johnny.

After that I felt really bad. I wrapped up his stomach with pieces of his robe so that he wouldn’t have his insides falling out when he woke up. All told, we ended up with three new zombies – Uncle Johnny, the Coach (!), and a second-string halfback with rich parents named Erik.

Obviously, we had to bail on the hideout, which sucks. The entire school was a write-off, so I had to herd all these stupid, STUPID zombies halfway across town until we found a Blockbuster that had been closed for a million years.

Since then, I’ve been dividing my time between trying to keep zombies from getting gout and eating people (moderate success), and finding the zombie hunter hideout (great success!). Turns out their main base of operations is the frat house on the university campus.

So now we’re going to war.

I hid in the library all day today so I could use the free computer and post this tonight. I really wanted to let you guys know what’s going on, because once I’m done posting this, I’m going to grab my people, and go fight. I need to find out what’s going on, why they did this to me, and what my dad had to do with all of it.

ALSO, I can’t let them keep trying to kill us.

ALSO, a zombie’s gotta eat, right?

I don’t know if any of us will make it back, and if we don’t, maybe it’s just meant to be, y’know?

So thanks for reading, and for keeping me company when I was the loneliest zombie on the planet. Hopefully I’ll post again, but if not, you’ll know what happened.

Bugs and kisses,

Bunny

(PS - Sorry no toons this time. My style is being slightly cramped, but if you liked my posts, and want to check out the app I used to make them, you can go here.

Okay, so obviously, there’s no point pretending. The truth is that somehow, thanks to all this zombie stuff, I am totally psychic. All kinds of things tell their plans to me, I see people’s memories when I’m turning them into a zombie, AND sometimes, I can see what other zombies are doing. Zombies that I don’t even know exist. I wonder if maybe I am some breed of vampire or something, because a lot of this stuff is like vampires. Except I don’t know if vampires get told things, by trees and walls and bugs and stuff. Or even if vampires are really real. Sigh. Anyway, after the whole Leland thing, I got a better idea of how it all fit together. I was being shown all this stuff for a reason, probably so I could be a better zombie. It’s because I had this feeling that I was able to clean up the clubroom. Old Bunny would have just said, uh-uh, that is WAY too much blood, but I knew we couldn’t up and find a new hideout. So I cleaned all day and all night and all day and then it was over! And I realized that I couldn’t keep letting us starve, because we aren’t just cheerleaders anymore, we are, like, a society! So I thought I’d see if we could eat stuff other than people first, which was hilarious. Leland will eat, like, gophers and cockroaches and corndogs, but it turns out that Leland will also eat a phonebook if you smear some blood on it. Cee and Misha also ate the gopher, but they looked all pissed off the whole time, and I was forced to realize something, which is that I might be a brain-eating zombie, but that does not make me want to eat a gopher. Sorry. There is just no freakin way. Long story short, we’ve got to occasionally be able to eat, so I’m going to try to do some meal planning, to avoid letting things get out of control again. The other major life issue here is that we’re living in the clubroom of some secret society. There is also a secret society of zombie hunters out to kill us. So I’m thinking: coincidence? No freaking way. And when I sit very quietly, and do pranayama, this little voice from the wall by my head and the ground under me and another little voice way in the distance all say that I can’t wait. I can’t sit and wait.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to not wait for until last night, when I finally finished cleaning and it was just in time because someone was coming down the stairs to the clubroom and I had about two seconds to shove everybody out the little back door.

This is what I’ve figured out.

In Ring City, football is kind of a big deal. The stars of the team get treated like kings, and even cheerleaders get a lot of status, but obviously we don’t get status like the guys.

The room that we found under the school grounds is some kind of secret football club room. Plush carpets, fat leather couches and chairs, a pool table giant flatscreen TV, a fully stocked bar, the works.

There’s nothing that really says ‘club room,’ exactly – no retired jerseys on the wall or anything, but I figured out that it was a football thing because just as we were getting settled, we heard people clattering down the stairs that were behind the main door, across the room from our weird little entrance.

I hustled the girls back out of the room, and then we heard the coach’s big booming voice talking on the other side. And I could tell he was SMOKING! A CIGARETTE! INDOORS!

There were a bunch of other voices, too, and then Misha started freaking out for some reason, and I focused and realized I could hear her boyfriend Leland, talking loudly above the other voices.

They were arguing about whether or not they should let the cops search the club room or not. Leland was shouting that they couldn’t let anything get in the way of finding the girls, but he was the only one arguing. I put my arm around Misha.

I felt sorry for Leland. Since Mish ‘disappeared,’ I’d seen him a lot, sitting around outside school by himself, just looking really depressed (I even tooned this sad picture of him). Which was weird because Leland is a popular guy that usually acts like he’s so above everything. But now he was really fighting for her.

The problem was that some of the cops hadn’t been football players, so they didn’t know about the club, and apparently, it’s a pretty big secret.

The coach said, “Leland, you really want Sergeant Destino to find out why your dad got that scholarship to State and he didn’t? Because I’m pretty sure Leland Sr. doesn’t want that cat let out of the bag at this point.”

“We could at least tell them about the tunnels,” Leland shot back.

“And say what?” someone else said. “That there’s this whole network of secret tunnels under the school that only we know about, but that has nothing to do with us in particular, or our membership in an essentially illegal organization?”

I felt a shiver go down my spine, a feeling that I was starting to think was connected with some kinda zombie sixth sense. Leland mumbled something else, but that pretty much ended the discussion.

We waited until they left, then crawled back into the room. I figure we’ll stay here most of the time, and go hide out in the hall when the football club uses the room. Who knows? We might even learn something, spying on these guys.

I found us a new hideout. Sort of by accident. I’ll put up some toony-toons of it tomorrow, but for now I’ll just tell you how it happened.

For the first time, the cops actually brought DOGS down into the basement. I guess people aren’t just going to forget about a bunch of missing cheerleaders. And for the record, I do feel bad for Misha and CeeCee’s parents. I do! I know them pretty well, after all, and I know especially Misha’s mom will be freakin out.

But we gotta survive. Especially now that I feel like zombies are really part of the big picture, y’know? Like, we totally have some bigger purpose than just being a plague on society…

Or maybe our bigger purpose IS to be plague on society. Like, maybe we’re the planet’s idea of cosmic retribution for people being so evil and corrupt.

That’s the point of all the zombie movies, right?

Anyway, I’m getting off topic, which I hear is bad from blogging. The point of this was to tell you about when the dogs came down. I crammed us all in to the crawlspace, as usual, but as soon as the dogs came in the room, they went bananas barking at the grate we were hiding behind.

I totally panicked, so I just started pushing at Misha and CeeCee, and thinking really hard “MOVE! MOVE YOUR FAT ZOMBIE ASSES!” And we were all squirming around in there, and then all of a sudden there was this crazy cracking noise

AND THE GROUND FELL RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER US!

We landed in this tiny underground tunnel, and I was sure the cops heard the big crash, so right away I got the girls up and scrambling down the tunnel.

It was pitch black, even for zombie vision, so I couldn’t really see where we were going until BAM! There was light everywhere, and there were these really elaborate lights in the wall, and this giant, super fancy archway right in front of us with a tiny little metal door, and I was like oh shit end of the line, but Misha and CeeCee still had this order from me to MOVE so they slammed against the metal door like crazy and suddenly it busted open!

We all fell through and I slammed the door behind me. Then I turned around only to behold the most pimpingest freakin’ room I have ever seen.

And this one was seriously hard to turn into a comic!

So I talk to this guy Irn on the Facebook Ask A Zombie group all the time, and he’s all like, “so what are you gonna do, stay in the basement the rest of your life?”

At first it kind of stung to be called out like that, but then I realized he was right. I can’t just hide in the basement for the rest of my life, especially now I’ve got Misha and CeeCee to worry about.

And I mean, I don’t really get what Lance’s deal is yet, but I’m starting to think I better figure it out. Like, why was he in the girl’s change room waiting for CeeCee? Why was he wearing a monk-looking robe? And most importantly, who does he think he is, anyway?

Who pretends to be a good guy, goes to all this trouble to impress a girl, then doesn’t even act sad that she turns up dead and instead hits on her best friend???

I tried to grill CeeCee about what Lance said to her, but she’s acting all evasive and whatever.

Not saying it’s her fault.

Interesting fact: CeeCee is totally not bossy and controlling anymore. She just stares at me and waits to see what I do. It used to be like, sometimes, I felt kind of left behind, or in the background, or whatever. Now it’s like I’m the one they’re both best friends with, and they practically ignore each other.

Sometimes, zombie life isn’t so bad.

So I realize that I totally forgot to tell you guys about how we hooked up with CeeCee. And it was crazy. So crazy that when I was writing yesterday it was like, “as if you don’t already know!”

But how could you? I keep forgetting that I lead a life of secrecy, a life that really is more like a comic book than like real life.

We decided to go talk to Ceec in the morning, because she comes to school early so she can jog and shower before class, and it’s the only time she’s really alone in the day.

Except this time she wasn’t alone. Someone followed her to school.

At first I didn’t realize it, because we caught up with her in the change house, and the smell of shampoo and perfume stifled everything. By the time I smelled the guy, he was just a row of lockers away.

And yeah, I can smell people. Really strongly. I can tell if they’re male or female, I can kinda smell where they’ve been, I can tell if they’re sick, and I can smell if they’re scared, excited, happy, or…you know, like, totally horny.

The guy behind the lockers was all of the above. He was also Lance.

I knew we were out of time, so I jumped out in front of CeeCee and tried to scream, “Look out!” but I admit, it came out sounding seriously scary, more like “gggrrraaaallllohhhhkkkkkaaarrhrhh!”

CeeCee didn’t scream like Misha did, though. She just passed right out.

Then, before I could react, Misha was on her. The smell of blood – human, female, healthy – took over everything, and the pink cloud filled my vision.

Just before the humming carried me away, though, I saw Lance dart out from behind the lockers where he’d been hiding. Instead of staying with Misha and Ceec, I jumped over them and took off after Lance, who for some reason, was wearing this weird brown robe, like a monk or something.

After that, there’s just the pink cloud, and the humming, but I don’t think I caught him, because when I came to, I was at the change house doors, ducked under the window away from the bright morning sunlight.

Lance must have ran away into the day. I went back to grab the girls and clean up before school started.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my basement hideout, thinking. Or at least, trying really hard to think and not get all zoned out for hours and hours at a time.

I’ll admit that at first, I thought Mr. Loughtree and I could be friends, but I’m sorry to say that he is basically the kind of zombie you would expect from movies like 28 Days Later. He can’t talk, he’s not very interested in stuff, and he obviously doesn’t like the idea of hiding in the basement and trying not to eat brains.

This is my theory: Because I ate Mr. Loughtree’s brain, he’s kind of like a lobotomized person zombie. No one ate my brain to turn me into a zombie, so I can still think and talk and stuff. So zombies are usually all…zombie-like, because they’ve actually got no brains.

Luckily, I can kinda get Mr. Loughtree to listen to me, so the world is safe from a zombie epidemic. For now.

My other theory: I couldn’t help but notice that my skin wasn’t looking too bad the morning after my cave-in. I don’t know if it’s gotten better, but it definitely hasn’t gotten worse, which might mean that eating helps to keep me from decaying.

Too bad I just swore to myself never to eat brains again.

This is what my dad would call being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Final thought: when we were talking about blogging in my 21st Century Skills class, Mr. Van said that successful blogs offer readers ‘useful, candid information that they would not normally receive through conventional channels of communication.’

So I was thinking that to make this a successful blog, I could give you guys information about being a zombie.

Got any questions? Is there anything you’ve always wanted to know about being a zombie? I’m still learning, too, but I’ll try my best to answer all of you!

Go ahead, pick my brain while I’ve still got one!

(For example, how could I be finding zombie jokes funny at a time like this???)

So, you know when you practice all summer because the captain of your cheerleading team tells you that maybe you’ll be top of the pyramid next year, but then you come back to school and she says that maybe if you weren’t such a COW you wouldn’t be stuck on the bottom for another year, so you try not to eat all weekend, but by Monday you’re totally sick and miserable?

Yeah. That’s basically how I’m feeling right now.

At first, I was totally happy, because in the movies they show zombies eating brains and stuff, but I wasn’t hungry at all.

Now, I don’t feel so much hungry as fidgety and overheated and sort of…angry.

Like, in the basement today, Todd Armstrong brought Lilja Cuijpers down to feel her up, and I couldn’t see them, but I could hear them and weirdest thing, I could SMELL them. And suddenly I had this urge to just get my hands on them and start SQUEEZING, and I wanted them to feel SCARED…

It was basically totally horrible.

It just makes me so mad that other people don’t have to worry about what they eat. Other people don’t have to worry about their skin being gross and blotchy, and is it happening faster now that I’m hungry? Is my body eating itself???

Total high stress. I wish I could talk to my shrink.

Okay, so I raided my locker last night, and then I spent all day staring at myself in the mirror. And I swear I could see myself – and, okay, this is so gross – but…

I swear I could see myself, like, getting all rotten and stuff.

I just sat there for twelve hours and watched it happen.

I know there’s nothing pretty about being a zombie, but I’ve obviously got to figure out how to deal with this right away.

I’m starting to take pictures of myself everyday, to chart my progress, like. And I’ll post some of them up here, but to keep it from getting too gross, I’m going to use this image converter that everybody at school is using. It turns your pictures into cartoons, which is generally cool, but especially good for me, because……..you know.

You can check out the site here: www.toon-fx.com. I’ll also try to post other cool links up here, because Mr. Van said that’s part of writing a good blog.