Pick Bunny’s Brainz

So, I’ve gotten two questions so far, and they’re both the same one I should have been asking myself this whole time.

I’ve been going over and over it since my last post. Y’know how I said I think I can probably still use my brain because no one ate it to turn me into a zombie?

Okay.

So, like you’ve been asking, how the frick did I become a frickin’ zombie???

I was thinking so hard about what to do now that I was a zombie that I didn’t even think about how I ended up here! I’ve gotta stop being such an idiot.

The last thing I remember was leaving the restaurant with Lance, and swinging by his dorm room to pick something up on the way to a party he was bringing me to.

Lance. (Here’s a toonified pic of him.)

I met Lance at another party the other weekend. My BFFs, Ceecee and Misha, are always crashing keggers to cruise for college guys, and I finally convinced them to take me along. Lance was straight up the hottest guy there, and when he hit on me, those bitches almost died.

He was so sweet. We made out but he didn’t even try to get me to go all the way because I told him I wasn’t ready. THEN he invited me out to dinner and this party.

Cee and Misha actually ditched me that night because they were so jealous. It was basically the greatest moment of my entire life.

So how come I can’t remember anything after going to his dorm? Sooooo weird.

I gonna try to, like, meditate on it, which is something my mom does, to see if I can unlock any memories.

Hopefully I’ll be able to answer your question soon, Suzanne and Irn!

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my basement hideout, thinking. Or at least, trying really hard to think and not get all zoned out for hours and hours at a time.

I’ll admit that at first, I thought Mr. Loughtree and I could be friends, but I’m sorry to say that he is basically the kind of zombie you would expect from movies like 28 Days Later. He can’t talk, he’s not very interested in stuff, and he obviously doesn’t like the idea of hiding in the basement and trying not to eat brains.

This is my theory: Because I ate Mr. Loughtree’s brain, he’s kind of like a lobotomized person zombie. No one ate my brain to turn me into a zombie, so I can still think and talk and stuff. So zombies are usually all…zombie-like, because they’ve actually got no brains.

Luckily, I can kinda get Mr. Loughtree to listen to me, so the world is safe from a zombie epidemic. For now.

My other theory: I couldn’t help but notice that my skin wasn’t looking too bad the morning after my cave-in. I don’t know if it’s gotten better, but it definitely hasn’t gotten worse, which might mean that eating helps to keep me from decaying.

Too bad I just swore to myself never to eat brains again.

This is what my dad would call being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Final thought: when we were talking about blogging in my 21st Century Skills class, Mr. Van said that successful blogs offer readers ‘useful, candid information that they would not normally receive through conventional channels of communication.’

So I was thinking that to make this a successful blog, I could give you guys information about being a zombie.

Got any questions? Is there anything you’ve always wanted to know about being a zombie? I’m still learning, too, but I’ll try my best to answer all of you!

Go ahead, pick my brain while I’ve still got one!

(For example, how could I be finding zombie jokes funny at a time like this???)

Last night, I totally caved in and binged, like, majorly.

Every night, the only person at school besides me is Mr. Loughtree, the school janitor. And everyone always says about how he’s an ex-con or something, which is why he has to only work nights, but since I’ve been here, I totally haven’t seen him act like a criminal or be weird.

Anyway.

Sometime during the day yesterday, when I was zoning out in the basement, I suddenly stopped feeling hungry and angry. It was like this pink cloud came into the edges of my vision. It was all sweet and fuzzy and as it filled up everything I could see, this pretty humming noise started.

I thought to myself, finally I’m falling asleep. How wonderful.

Except next thing I know, it’s nighttime, I’m sitting in the school hallway, staring at a row of lockers, it’s dark, and for some reason, Mr. Loughtree is, like, lying in my lap and there is black stuff everywhere.

Honestly, my first thought was, OMG I’M SO BUSTED BY THE JANITOR! Which, I guess, is why I got the nickname ‘Braindead Bunny’ in cheering. Because my next thought was Mr. Loughtree wasn’t busting anyone because he was dead, and I had a piece of his SKULL in my hand and the black stuff everywhere wasn’t black at all, it was red…

I didn’t look inside the hole in Mr. Loughtree’s head. I knew what I would see because I felt full and calm like I hadn’t in days.

I didn’t freak out, but I knew the right thing to do was go puke my guts out, and I was about to, when Mr. Loughtree suddenly started coughing! And then he stood up! And then he walked into a wall. Three times in a row. And then I knew that everything I’d ever learned about zombies was true.

I couldn’t get Mr. Loughtree to help clean up the mess, because making someone clean up their own blood seemed super rude, but I did have his mop and bucket, so I did it myself, then I tucked him away in the basement so he’d be safe from the dawn.

I’ll never crack again. No more pigging out. I swear.

So, you know when you practice all summer because the captain of your cheerleading team tells you that maybe you’ll be top of the pyramid next year, but then you come back to school and she says that maybe if you weren’t such a COW you wouldn’t be stuck on the bottom for another year, so you try not to eat all weekend, but by Monday you’re totally sick and miserable?

Yeah. That’s basically how I’m feeling right now.

At first, I was totally happy, because in the movies they show zombies eating brains and stuff, but I wasn’t hungry at all.

Now, I don’t feel so much hungry as fidgety and overheated and sort of…angry.

Like, in the basement today, Todd Armstrong brought Lilja Cuijpers down to feel her up, and I couldn’t see them, but I could hear them and weirdest thing, I could SMELL them. And suddenly I had this urge to just get my hands on them and start SQUEEZING, and I wanted them to feel SCARED…

It was basically totally horrible.

It just makes me so mad that other people don’t have to worry about what they eat. Other people don’t have to worry about their skin being gross and blotchy, and is it happening faster now that I’m hungry? Is my body eating itself???

Total high stress. I wish I could talk to my shrink.

Okay, so I raided my locker last night, and then I spent all day staring at myself in the mirror. And I swear I could see myself – and, okay, this is so gross – but…

I swear I could see myself, like, getting all rotten and stuff.

I just sat there for twelve hours and watched it happen.

I know there’s nothing pretty about being a zombie, but I’ve obviously got to figure out how to deal with this right away.

I’m starting to take pictures of myself everyday, to chart my progress, like. And I’ll post some of them up here, but to keep it from getting too gross, I’m going to use this image converter that everybody at school is using. It turns your pictures into cartoons, which is generally cool, but especially good for me, because……..you know.

You can check out the site here: www.toon-fx.com. I’ll also try to post other cool links up here, because Mr. Van said that’s part of writing a good blog.

I’ve been spending days in the library basement. It’s separate from the school basement and people only go down there to make out, so it’s a perfect hideout.

Eek. I can’t believe I just said ‘hideout.’ I used to be normal. Swears. Here’s a tooned pic of me from less than a week ago!

Anyway, I thought I might be able to sleep or something, but I never get tired, because maybe I’m in shock or something? Weird thing is I’m not bored, because for some reason, it’s really easy to just zone out and stare into space at nothing. Time passes really fast. The next thing I know, it’s getting dark outside, which is when I get to come up back into the world.

And okay, I’m not an idiot. I have to admit that I know what’s going on. I’ve seen about a million movies on this exact topic, except they’re not usually from……….my perspective.

Hi, my name is Bunny, and I’m a freakin’ zombie.

There. I said it. I don’t know if I really believe it, but it’s true. I woke up in a coffin, I have an autopsy mark thing on my chest and stomach, which I’ve seen a zillion times on TV. The sun, also, hurts my eyes, even coming through those little basement windows.

I guess I might be a vampire, but I don’t think so, because I’m definitely not looking all hot and dangerous. And I don’t want to drink people’s blood. But I guess I don’t want to eat people’s brains, either, so maybe I’m just some undead type thing that doesn’t have to eat anything gross to survive?

That would make sense because when I was looking at the autopsy thing on my chest, I think I saw some cotton balls poking through or something. I actually kind of like the idea that I’m stuffed with cotton now.

I missed cheering today. I wonder if anyone noticed.

OK im going to say this really fast because its so awful and even just writing it makes me feel sick I turned on the light in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and my face was covered in all this makeup and my eyes which are brown were this glassy grey color and im going to scream but I realize I cant open my mouth and it is stiched shut and I didnt scream before in the coffin and that was probably why and there is goo coming out of my nose and then I notice this gross gooey blotch coming through my tank top right at my chest and I look down my shirt and theres wire going through my chest and I am CARVED OPEN

Iamdeadiamdeadiamdeadiamdeadiamdeadiamdeadiamdead

Sorry. I know I’m not dead. This is just super hard to write because I keep thinking I’m going to wake up or something, or maybe that I should go to the hospital or go home and talk to mom but she would FREAK OUT, and if I have some weird disease or something it’s going to ruin my life.

I don’t know what to do.

Update: I am obviously not a ghost. Because even though I can’t feel anything when I pinch my arm, I did push a computer off one of the lab tables, and it totally smashed, which I guess I’m going to get in sh*t for.

Sh*t.

So this might still be a dream, but maybe I’m sleepwalking or something? So if I write this down I’ll have, like, evidence, right?

Here goes.

I woke up, and I wasn’t in my room. I NEVER get those weird disoriented feelings, but I couldn’t remember how I got there, so I was like WTF? And the room was really dark but right away I knew I was in a freakin’ coffin!

A coffin.

Seriously.

I don’t know how I knew, but it was like bam! I’m in this box, and I can smell wood, and starchiness, and my head is on this little pillow that is not my pillow. AND also, next thing I notice is I’m wearing my cheerleading uniform, which I can feel even though I can’t see.

At first, I just felt totally frozen, and I was trying super hard to remember how I got there, but everything was one big blank. Then I thought, “OMG I’m in a coffin,” and then I’m scrambling out of there as fast as I freakin’ can, and I almost kill myself, because it’s pretty far off the ground, and then bam! I remember that I was on a date with Lance, so then I figure I probably got myself caught up in some weird sex thing.

So as much as I want to leave the funeral place, I decide to find a washroom first and make sure I’m not all a mess, right? Because one time at this party, this girl who is the total school slut but I won’t say her name but everybody knows who I’m talking about, went into this bedroom with TWO guys and came out with all this stuff on her face and she didn’t even know it! And she was trying to say they didn’t do anything!

So I go to the bathroom, which is right off the lobby, and turn on the light, because nobody’s in the building or they would have heard me fall out of the coffin, and I look in the mirror

So. I decided to just write this all down because sitting here in front of the computer is a lot better than walking around a bunch of dark hallways, feeling like a ghost or something.

OMG, am I a ghost???